Dave's Miraculous Journey
by: Me, Dave [Psyc0], others

One day, David decided he should go to the store to buy some meat. So he left for the store and went to his car to find that his tire had been slashed with a sign that says "I told you I would get you back!" Angered, he caught the paperboy passing by and laughing, so he picked up a brick and LAUNCHED it at the little bastard.

"DIE YOU MONKEY!" He yelled.
Then, David went to the watermelon remnants to stain the paperboys white shirt with watermleon juice. As he was gonna do it, the paperboys like "Dont do it, im doing it for the money" Soon the paperboys cell phone rang, Dave gagged the paperboys mouth with a big ass watermelon piece. Dave imitated the paperboys girlies voice and picked up the phone, The boss is like "Ok, u effed up davids car, now i want you to dismember him." Then Dave revealed his own voice, and picked out a knife and told the boss that he was gonna "carve the paperboy up real nice into a zuchini, ya fucking cockawajoe."

Realizing that David could not turn human flesh into a zuchini, the "BossMan," as he was referred to as on the paperboy's cell phone's auto-dial, could be heard shouting orders to a man [or men?] in the background. David threw the phone against a brick wall, and dramtically stood above the paperboy, and said, "Time to get the peanut paste particularly peachy-keen." Baffled by this comment, the paperboy had a brain anurism, and died right there. David hopped on the kid's bike, which was sepia-toned, and rode into downtown St. Apache, North Carolina, where our story unfolds..

David rode down the somewhat busy street, and noticed that he was being watched by men wearing brown trenchcoats. He laid down the bike at the corner and started to walk. The instant he looked back, some kids stole the bike. Meddling NC kids, he thought. Suddenly, he saw one man in a brown trenchcoat reach into his coat, so David LEAPED and dived into a pile of steaming, hot, smelly guava crust. What was this pile of guava crust doing here? Well, before his question could be answered, David answered it himself. It was carefully placed by the Henchmen with the Brown, Long, Trenchcoats, a.k.a. the HBLT. The one man took out his classic 1892-patented pencil sharpener, sharpened a number 3 pencil, and then the HBLT scurried quickly away as David recooperated from his vicious fall into the guava crust, and quickly cleaned himself off while following suit of the common cliche of jumping over the side of a convertible BMW, and landing perfectly in the seat while hitting the gas and speeding after the criminals. David followed in tight pursuit, hoping to find where that one henchman of the HBLT got that pencil sharpener. 'Twas like a scene from "Bullitt," the stupendous McQueen movie, which had the so-called Best Chase Scene Ever in a Movie. This movie's chase scene wasn't as good though, and just ended up stopped at a lot of red lights and waiting behind the North Carolinian farm tractors. "Oh boy!" though, thought David, "That tractor is well-equipped!" He began to point out the various pieces of the tractor, while the HBLT wondered, in the next convertible up [a modified '72 Gremlin], how he knows so much about farming equipment. Will we ever discover how he came upon this information?

David then got tired of waiting in the rush of a stoplight and saw Syd sitting in the next car, narrating to himself. David got out of the convertible and stared at Syd, who was acting out his own kung fu scenes in his own car. Crazy people, he thought. David then hijacked a farmer for his tractor with his plastic banana under his shirt, and the farmer cursed David with an ancient pagan.. curse. "The pillars of the great Stonehenge shall fall upon the ground around him at 12:00 midnight." David realized the current time was 3:55 pm. Hungry and without meat, David sped away on the tractor, and was quickly followed by the HBLT in their '72 Gremlin. At a painstakingly fast speed of 7 miles per hour, the henchmen lost track of the tractor, and David slipped away into a dark alley back in town. "Thank you St. Apache, patron saint of quality manicures," David thought to himself. To keep his privacy, David headed to the town courthouse and changed his name to Syd. Realizing this, the real Syd finished up his interpretation of the classic Fists of Fury, and proceded to contact his lawyer, who then proceded to contact Syd #2's lawyer, who advised Syd #2 to change him name to something else. Syd #2 did so, but under protest. He changed his name to Dave. Nobody would expect a "David" to change his name to "Dave," he thought. "I sure hope that nuTang guy doesn't sue me this time, though," the new Dave was quoted as saying. Just as he finished being a bitch about not being able to be called a cool name like Syd, Dave was spotted by the HBLT, and then hid behind a tree, which was convenient, except for the fact that it was a pine-scented car freshener. The HBLT then chased Dave on foot to the local diner/cafe/bar-ish thing. Dave shouted "Help! HBLT!" The girl behind the counter said, "Sorry sir, we normally don't serve hot-bacon/lettuce/tomato sandwiches.. I'll have to ask the manager if that is okay." Dave waited and waited, and finally the waitress said, "Sure, BossMan said that it's fine, have a seat." Dave realized that this was the headquarters of the Evil Corporation, Inc., Ltd.

David then runs out to devise a plan and runs into the original Syd.
David: "I wanted your name, you bastard, but you had to be blessed with it FIRST!"
Syd: "Huh?" *gets into praying mantis stance and moves mouth vigorously but nothing comes out*
David: "Oh what the hell?"
Syd: *Mouth stops and voices come out of nowhere* "Willing to fight for it you stupid monkey?"
David: "Ehhh...No thanks, I'd rather worry about the HBLT right now.."
Syd: "The hot bacon/lettuce/tomato sandwich?" *scratches temple*
David: "NO! THAT BASTARD!" *points behind Syd*
Syd: *turns around to see big giant henchman in brown long trenchcoat*
David saw Jojo the paperboy riding down the street behind the HBLT....
David: "THAT LIL FAKING BASTARD!!"
For some reason, Dave/David wasn't surprised to see Jojo the paperboy.. The anurism was faked! The last surviving member of the HBLT [don't ask how the others died, that is another story], Jojo, and the waitress, Ms. Altoid, as she is known by back in Brisbon, surrounded Dave/David behind the bar. time for a shootout.

Info: Amory
Dave/David: a banana that was left mysteriously behind the bar for him.
HBLT Guy: a 75 mm pivoting fully-automatic vintage pencil sharpener.
Ms. Altoid: the curiously strong original mints, Altoids.
Jojo: a various array of air-guns.

Stuck behind the bar with the three attackers.. well, attacking, what shall Dave/David do to escape this situation?

Dave LEAPT out and boomeranged his banana, which bounced off the head of Jojo. As the banana returned, Dave caught it and landed behind another area of the bar. Jojo, slightly stunned, fell back and fired three sharp air shots of his airgun [with the ammo of ONLY air] into Ms. Altoids eye. Ms. Altoid spilled her curiously strong mints onto the path the HBLT guy was running, and the HBLT slipped and fell on his ass. David stood up to see all of them on the ground, but with one more man standing.

David: Syd?
Syd: >=)
David: Why didn't you help me out with your martial trash?
Syd: >=)
David: C'mon, ANSWER me, fool!!
Syd: >=)
David: ...Aye yo...quit that.
Syd: >=)
David: C'MON man..stop...you're freakin me out.
Syd: >=)

Dave, becoming frightened by Syd's >=), peeled the banana and took a bite to curb his uneasyness. Syd, moving his lips as if he's just seen Godzilla, said "So, you've defeated all of my henchmen, eh?" Dave did a "..." type of thing, and then said.. "Bossman.. I knew it was you!" all dramatically. Syd replied, "Uh.. who's Bossman?" Suddenly, Bossman came out of the back room. Syd shouted, "That bastard! That's the one that stole my name! He gave 81% of the jury head, while I only gave the women head [54%], and therefore won the suit I filed for stealing my name!" Intriguing turn of events. Syd and Dave decided to team up, uh.. telepathically. Dave, finishing off his super-banana, and taking another in hand, reloaded it and cleaned out the chamber. Syd, unarmed, changed his stance from the preying mantis to the hairy protista, and assumed the attack position, curled up and sort of sprawled out at the same time on the floor, and sort of jittering and mumbling things, you know, talking in tongues.

Dave, pausing momentarily, noticed Syd's spasmatic movements on the floor, which reminded him of an eel out of water.

Seeing the horrendous expression on Dave's face, Syd realized he had mistakenly put himself into the eel-out-of-water fighting pose. This rendered Syd useless, and BossMan laughed in delight. "Mwahahahaha" he laughed, in delight. "I"ll teach you to laugh in delight!" Dave said threateningly. He slowly moved his arm back, as if in slow motion, about to throw the banana.. Suddenly, his arm sprang forward and released the banana. Sadly, his arm was still in slow motion, so the throw wasn't too impressive. Bossman laughed in delight. "Mwahahahaha" he laughed, in delight. "Thank you for teaching me you cockawoje!" Dave thought for a minute.. "Where did I hear that comment before?" he asked himself. OH! Dave had made this word up before! "You're such a lame-ass poser bitch, Bossman. You need to die you bastard!" Dave was now defenseless, as he expended his last banana. Bossman, with a grim and fearless expression on his face, revealed his ultimate weapon: The 75mm fully automatic pivoting Fresh Meat Slicer. One cut to Dave, and Dave would be finished, with this highly powerful machine. "Prepare to die you Nazi son of a bitch!" Bossman shouted. He whipped out a thigh of fresh ham, and started cutting it up into perfect, thin slices. His mouth was watering in delight. The speed of this cutter was amazing! Meat was flying everywhere, in perfectly cut little pieces. Dave was doing his best dodging them, when he realized.. This is the meat he needed.

Dave: "Bossman! you cannot dispose of me!! You called me a Nazi when I'm NOT! AND.....OooOooh...meat."
David grabs all the meat that flys around and looks down at Syd.
Dave: Sorry, bro, you're on your own now...I got what I came for. Peace slithery eel protista fighter guy.
Bossman watched, dumbfounded as Dave just WALKED away.

BossMan, not knowing what to do, just let him go. "Damn him," BossMan said, "damn him to the fiery pits of Shalla-Bal! Fine, go Back to Shalla-Bal! I don't give a damn!" Syd, confused by this statement, and with unceasing hatred towards BossMan, unleashed his special attack for his useless out-of-water eel stance. He swam toward BossMan so quickly that a woodland lemming harboring a Canadian refugee would not have been able to see him. "Nope, I didn't," said the lemming, "and who told you about Chuck?" Syd wrapped around BossMan and unleashed his special electrocution attack. The only catch is, Syd doesn't have an electric membrane for skin, so it didn't go over too well. BossMan admitted defeat, and changed his name back to the infamous Dr. Pepper. Yes, he sued the soda company for slandering his name, and the Dr. Pepper soda company was now called "The Brown Carbonated Water Company, Inc., Ltd." Dr. Pepper, the man, went back to his peaceful lifestyle of living above a cheap dirty diner. Syd recovered from his eel-ish ailment, but was charged with endangermet of an.. endagered species. That is unrelated to this story. And Dave.. Well, Dave returned back to his home, with plenty of meat.

Dave ran out into the street and shouted a furious chant in Norwegian. Thank God there was a Norwegian parrot on the premises. The parrot repeated everything Dave said in Norwegian, and proved to be no help whatsoever. After Dave was finished with his chant, a tree fell over and rolled into a nearby stream. "Success!" And with that, Dave began running down the street with a limp, as to make the people think he had a limp. Suddenly, he tripped over the mantle of Earth. Trying to explain himself in vain, he said to his followers "See how that mantle jumped out right in front of me!?" The followers took this statement to heart. "No! I was only joking!" Dave screamed. But it was too late. They had already converted to Mantilism and worshipped the mantle of Earth in a church established and built in 1892. Where have we heard that number before!? Coincidence..? I think not. The Mantilists were the creators of the pencil sharpener. Whoopidy-doo.

He then realized he had no bread to make a sandwich! "I can probably run to the store quick and get it.." Dave says. He went outside and realized his tire is slashed with a sign that says "I told you I would get you back!" Was the real foe defeated? Or is the adventure just beginning..?

Cursing with his Norweigan yet so Cambodian tongue all the way down the street, the Mantilists followed behind, trying to ask what had happened and how the mantle jumped at him. Finally, one of the Mantilist reporters stopped him for a brief uhh...news brief.

Dave: Uhh...hi *huff puff*
Reporter: Now, explain again how the mantle 'jumped at you'
Dave: Uhh...I was running like a wildman with a limpy leg...and like...boom, there it was.
Reporter: Hmm...interesting.
Dave: Yeah...can I say hi to my mom?
Reporter: Hmm...interesting.
Dave: Uhh..okay...that doesn't answer my question, dude.
Reporter: Hmm...............interesting.
Dave: Say 'Hmm...interesting,' one more time and expect your face to be beat inside out.
Reporter: *Silent*
Dave: Yeah...damn Mantilists....I need to go get my bread now, leave me alone, and tell that freaky weird lady jumping up and down behind you to put her top back on, this ain't Girls Gone Wild: Cold Winter, kay?
*Dave runs off again with limpy leg*
Reporter: *turns* Hmm....fascinating.

And there Dave went, running down the street with a limpy leg...but what's this?!? THERE WAS A VAN TAILING DAVE FROM AFAR! I suuuuure hope he knows that it's there!

No! Dave did NOT realize the van behind him! Everyone else did, though, because it was the new Volkwagen concept Microbus [http://www.vw.com/concept/]! It's so weird looking, you know? Just as Dave continued walking down the street, it happened! An Iron Monkey jumped off the roof of the building built near the street with the asphalt and the cement sidewalks on the side. He landed RIGHT on the asphalt in the street near the house with the roof, narrowly escaping the sidewalk made of cement! Dave howled out a howl like the owl that was sipping hot cocoa in the tree juxtaposed to the roof of the house with the cement sidewalk lining the street made of asphalt! Just then, Dave SLAPPED me for being obnoxious! Whew, action packed. The Iron Monkey hit the asphalt street with a [clunk!] and Dave almost tripped over it, but luckily he avoided it just in time, but then tripped over the Lead Baboon and rolled into the stream, and clung onto the Norwegian tree that had previously rolled into it.. The Volkswagen Microbus [http://www.vw.com/concept/], however, was not as intuitive or sharp-witted. It ran RIGHT over the Iron Monkey, which on its own could not bring down the behemoth, but with stunning support from the Lead Baboon, that son of a bitch was brought [DOWN!] to the asphalt-street! [breathing heavily]

David looked back to see the Microbus plow into the Iron Monkey, whom he narrowly escaped but tripped over the stupid Lead Baboon and fell into the river cursing in Norwegian and flailing his arms like a bird with oil stained wings.

Dave: DUDE! WHAT THE HELL?! All this for bread? Why do people always want my food?? Why can't they just...oooh...butterfly.

With his miraculous A.D.D., Dave forgot all about the mishap with the Iron Monkey and the Lead Baboon and floated downstream until he reached a drain hole the size of a penny. He hopped off and found himself in a forest of old, beat up furniture that rich families threw away after repetitive coffee stains. Walking quickly, he dodged tables, sofas, and futons left and right and suddenly, he ran into the rejected, ill-tempered Brown Crayola Crayon from TV COMMERCIALS!

Brown Crayola Crayon: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?!
Dave: Hmm, that leaves a why and when, now...
Brown Crayola Crayon: SHUT THE HELL UP! ANSWER MY QUESTION!
Dave: Hey hey hey, calm down, calm down...jeez, what's your deal? I'm just tryin' to find me way to the--
Brown Crayola Crayon: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I'VE HAD A BAD LIFE, OKAY?!? LEAVE ME ALONE!! DON'T TEMPT ME! *pulls out paint thinner* I WILL POUR THIS ON MYSELF!!
Dave: Dude, dude, dude....you don't wanna do that, okay....don't worry...I'm just going to get some bread...but some butt monkey and rubby dubby baboon got in my way and I fell into the river...calm down, man, it ain't that serious...
Brown Crayola Crayon: *desperate and needy* I ain't got no money man...Blue and Yellow and Red always get that shit! I'm TIRED OF BEING REJECTED BECAUSE I'm ME!! I'll--
Dave: Hey hey...I'm gonna go get bread to make a sandwich....come along with me and I'll make you a sandwich to make you feel all better...
Brown Crayola Crayon: You serious?
Dave: Yeah...besides, I'm hungry...that bastard Syd keeps changing up my needs and stuff...now I gotta get bread. Join me, and you can have a sandy-wich.
Brown Crayola Crayon: Hmmm...I dunno...I'm a little skepti--okay.

Then, Dave and the rejected Brown Crayola Crayon embarked on a journey to find the closest store for bread!

So, Dave stood up in a sea of translucent ineffibility. His one goal from this whole series, to exterminate the bloody race of protistas, had to be put on hold for this extreme mystery. Dave, sauntering into a dusty old quick stop, realized that the store was empty.. Empty except for one item! A single, unintrusive loaf of bread. Oh the wonder, what joyous meals could be construed!

But Dave, not needing any bread, moved on into the bathroom of this quick stop. He located the key to unlock the door, which was connected to a parakeet by a 9 foot long chain. The parakeet realized what Dave was doing. The parakeet grabbed a canister of Acme Foot Lotion with his beak and violently shook the son of a bitch. And then BAM! Dave was turned into a protista.

Yes, Dave the Protista, killer of protistas.. the silent assassin. Just like that Vampire Hunter D guy. Yeah! Only unlike Vampire Hunter D, this story actually has a pace to it, and is not just "walk around for about five minutes, talk to guy, walk around for ten minutes, talk to guy, walk back to other guy in ten minutes, kill that guy in a very not-action way, walk through the closing credits." Dave, with his lifetime wish to eliminate the protistan race, set out on his journey towards Iceland, the suede capital of the world.

And then Dave the newly transformed protista assassin melts the brown crayon into puss because he finds the brown crayon to be compiled of millions of opposing assassin protista dead set on killing Dave for his loaf of Wonderbread (which isn't his favorite)...

And then he drank FANTA.

And then he fainted because the ORIGINAL Fanta girls showed up and caused him to emit a major erection which sucked all of the blood from his body and brain, causing him to fall to the ground, pale white with a boner the size of Texas...

Out of no where a beat up man.. almost resembling the shape of a zucinie stops the lone star size bluge that teared through the barbra strisan thong dave was wearing. the beat up man moves into the light. you see blood driping down his already stained albertsons bagboy uniform. you notice a brick in his left hand... he raises it you can see vengence in his eyes, but then dave moans and starts to turn. the wait of texas crushes the the paper bag boys in a massacar of blood and semen... the earth quake reaction woke up every abody from hong kong to madrid.. huge tital waves crash on the all of the costal citys... it started with the oraginal fanta girls.. but now it was much much more. the US government blamed it on inflation.

The cause of this mysterious event was inflation of US currency. Yet, they did not know how the money was inflated, or how the air pumps were even put onto the dollar bills. Yet the fact remained that an unknown group of deadly mime assassins broke into the armory of Hardy Items and stole 17 bike tire pumps and committed this grievous act. As Dave strolled through the Black Hills of the Dakotas, his penis restored to its miniature size, he saw money floating up through the atmosphere. He thought to himself, Boy, if only Leonard Peltier was here to see this! But of course, Leonard Peltier killed two FBI agents and then defaced them at close range with a pistol.

But then Dave saw an apparition appear in front of his face. It was his face. And then he realized it was a mirror. He saw this apparition of a mirror as his own face, and thought to himself, How did I mistake my face for a mirror? I must be going crazy. And with that he punched his face, and the glass broke. Good thing his face had insurance, because it would take many a glass gnome to repair the shattered fragments that now lay in the dusty coal coating on the Black Hills. Some gnomes, however, refuse to work on faces. But maybe, just maybe, he could convince them that his face was a mirror. If I could confuse my face for a mirror, he thought, then I'm sure I can confuse a couple of blue-collar gnomes! And with that, he went off to seek the Gnome Glass Repair Agency, or the GGRA.

The gnomes closely examined him and ponder of his state. the GGRA expertises are not fooled by his lies. he has been shooed away, and for lying, they leave him with a cursed body and blank face. when he wakes up, he finds himself in a brand new matrix-like demension. he panics, for he knows there will be no easy way out.

He tries to walk forward. however, in this new body he had been given, with every step he attempts to take, a magical parsel appears in front of him with a riddle beyond his comprehension. dave doesn't know what to do.

Worried, Dave decides that solving the riddle wouldn't hurt. The first riddle, "Does Australia have a July 4th?" Dave was completely stupefied. Does Australia have a July 4th? This question raised even more questions like "Is there a McDonald's nearby?" and "DO I have any new voice messages?" as these questions multiplied he began to get lost in thought. "What day is it? Is it night or morning? Do I have bad breath?" What am I talking about ... I don't know anymore....

"Uhh...n-y-nyeahno."
[gnome grunts]
"y-yes," replies Dave. As soon as he replies, the creature disappears.

Just as Dave was about to walk. a weird gnome- like creature appeared. The only difference is that he's all pale white. He's ghost-like. H-h-h-he's covered in white paint? Dave walks over and take a punch . . . The cardboard gnome simply falls down.

The scene just changed ...
"Ooook. What just happened," said Dave still wondering if he has any new voice mail messages.

he felt a slight vibration in his back left pocket, he reached down to find his trusty cellphone...

cellphone oporater monkey: "you forwarded to the automatic message system of dave... after the tone please record your message....
Dave mumbles to him self then presses the pound key and enters his password
cellphone oporater monkey: "you have 2 new voice messages"
Dave listens intentlly
-1st call:
hi! this is... mr... poopooplater calling and i wanted to know... uh.. what you are doing.. *giggle*
-2nd call:
DAVE!!! DAVE!!! where the fuck are you?? you were supposed to be hear an hour ago!! now the mafia is after me!! where are the kilos?? HOLY SHIT!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! rattatatatatat!!!
italian voice #1: Vaffancolo!! the blood is fucking every where it looks like mamas spegetti!
italian voice #2: clean it up, im going to search the place. that fucker dave was suppossed to be under the brigde an hour ago
italian voice #1: i aint going to clean up this shit! you clean it! ill search the place
italian voice #2: boss put me in charge.... wait... whats the sound?

the owner of the italian voice named tito looks around, and sees a cloud of blue smoke appear in front of his eyes.

tito: uhh... what the hell is that
rocky(italian voice #1): what the hell is what?
tito: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!

and dave jumps out of the blue cloud of smoke and instantaneously knocks tito and rocky unconcious. aware of their state of minds, dave looks for the captive he was selfconciously told to find. a girl... brown-ish hair.....

Dave, hellbent on finding this beautiful brown-haired girl, set out on a dirty old canoe to Italy. He rowed all the way to the port of Salerno, a beautiful town on the shin of the country. However, right before he docked, a gelatinous sea spoon clung onto his pleura. He tried everything to get the oceanic eating utencil out of his lungs: backscratcher, gum on a string, and Jorge, his pet emu, who happened to have a severe drug problem. As Jorge plunged his head down Dave's throat and into his lungs, Jorge was knocked out from the 34 Mescaline tablets and choked to death on his own vomit.

Dave decided not to waste any more time retreiving the useless spoon. He punched a lady in the ear and stole her son's scooter, and rode off at the speed of smell to the Italian Mafia headquarters. It was hard to balance on the scooter because of the spoon lodged in his lungs and the emu lodged in his throat. But Dave, being a trapeze artist, had very good balance. One time, he walked two and a half miles on a strand of spider web over a fiery pit filled with burning pumpkin seeds and jalepeno jackrabbits. As it turns out, there was a mule named Piscataway who owed Dave a bundle of porkroll excrete. Boy did Piscataway pay the price when the jackrabbit catapulted into his living agave-lemon sandwich farm!

Finally, Dave pulled up to the Mafioso Headquarters. He threw the keys to his scooter to one of the guards out front and gave him a tip. The mafia man responded: "Che cosa la scopata? Questo tipo ha sfere piĆ¹ grandi che la mia madre! Penso che gradisca il senso scanala il mio sudore dell'asino nel grasso dell'asse!" Dave thought to himself, I have bigger balls than his mother? He uses his ass sweat as axle grease? Both intrigued and perplexed by this Italian jackass, Dave kneed him in the nuts with Jorge's leg. Jorge, Dave thought to himself, Only a true friend lends his lifeless knee to a ball kicker.. A tear rolled down Dave's face. From the bottom of my appendix.. Thank you.